how do you ask for help when you're the one that is never supposed to need any?
when you're the one that makes for damn sure no one ever knows that you need any.
when you're the strong one that holds everyone else up in times of crisis.
i am in an emotional downward spiral and i can't get anyone to see or believe that i am floundering.
i've been trying to figure this out for a month or so now. and i'm realizing that it is my own fault.
it seems that my purpose in life has been to hold everyone else up until someone they like better comes along to take over. then i end up on my own again. i suppose i should be happy when that happens because then the weight of someone else's problems have been lifted from my shoulders and i should be free to handle my own. but i'm not. it hurts me more because now, i'm not needed anymore. because now, i'm not good enough anymore. but i can't fall apart because there's no one to hold me up if i do.
i've been trying to hold it together for two and a half months now. but the harder i've tried, the faster i've been falling apart.
bad news after bad news after bad news. unending frustration. spending all day every day seeing the life i want in everyone else's hands and completely inaccessible to me.
like i said, tho, it's my own fault. people say "are you okay?" and my answer is always "i'm fine." there's a huge part of me that wants and needs someone to argue that point with me and say "you're lying to me. i know you're not fine." but it doesn't happen and i cannot bring myself to answer any differently. because i tell myself over and over that this feeling is normal, that i am just going through the grieving process, that it'll go away on its own soon, and that i do not need to bring anyone else down with my problems because i'm sure that they have real problems and mine cannot possibly be as big or serious.
i can see and feel myself getting more and more off track. the make it happen philosophy that i preach so vehemently seems like a complete joke to me right now. i goto work but don't feel like being there and am leaving earlier and earlier every day. every day, after dropping the kids off at school, i get on the 101 to goto work and am so tempted to skip my exit and just keep driving. to just.. go away. to leave my children in the very capable hands of their father and just.. not be here to fuck things up for them. i don't want them to see me weak, and miserable, and depressed, and ... like this.
i know a way to feel better. i know how to feed the demon inside of myself that will make me strong enough to get by.. for as long as i keep feeding it. i physically ache to feed that monster. to see the beautiful red in drops and smears. to watch it rise up all wispy and pink through hot bath water. i keep arguing with the demon. she says "just once will be enough and then you won't have to do it again.." but i know better. it won't be just once. she'll beg and plead for more. she'll demand it. and i will only be able to hold out for so long. i'm already wondering why i'm trying so hard not to feed her. it's not really that big of a deal.. i've always been very careful with it.. it would be fine, right? just a couple and i'd feel better long enough to make something happen. then i'd be feeling better enough that i wouldn't need to do it anymore. it'll be a really short term thing.
-sigh. the stupid thing about this is that i'm rational enough to know that something is wrong. which means that no one is at all worried because i'm rational enough to know that something is wrong. which should mean that i'm capable of fixing it and taking care of myself. right? yeah. i'm rational enough to know what i need to do. but i'm also rational enough to know that i'm not emotionally strong enough to take care of any of it. and i'm rational enough to know that i need some help right now. not a lot of help. just a little. i just need someone to take one evening and show me that i'm not completely alone. to show me that there's one person that recognizes and cares that i am weak right now and is willing to prop me up for just one evening. i don't want to talk about anything sad. i just want someone to hold me for a little while. just wrap some arms around me so that i can feel the warmth of another living breathing being.
when there's no one to save you, you have to save yourself.
there's no one to save me. i'm going to have to save myself.
February, 12 2011 under self