boundaries - i haz them
this is how i lost everything and regained myself all at the same time.
i have ( or had ) two friends who are a couple. dave and susan. dave has been a very close friend of mine for 8 years. susan came into his life 3 years ago or so.
now, to be perfectly honest, i have never trusted susan nor been comfortable in a room with her. in the beginning of their relationship, she did and said some things that were severely hurtful to me.
dave has always been very important to me and not someone i was willing to give up from my life completely. there's a lot of love between me and him.
early on in their relationship, it was made clear to me that i would never be able to see him without her. there was something important going on that he and i should have both been at. he asked me if it was alright if susan was there also and i said that i was honest with him and said that i wasn't ready for that after everything else that had happened. his response was to say "if she's not welcome, then neither am i" and to not show up. her story almost three years later was that she told him it was important and he should go, but he still chose not to. ( after everything else that's happened over the past several months, i have no faith in her story. ) their point was made. if i wanted him to continue to be a part of my life at all, i was going to have to alter my own boundaries and put myself in a room with someone i couldn't trust and did not feel at all comfortable with. but he was important to me on multiple levels and i had no other choice.
let me say that again : if i wanted to continue any kind of relationship with my best friend, i had to tolerate a woman that had caused me serious heartbreak and pretend that everything was okay. my boundaries were shattered.
i've seen them both countless times since then. always wary of susan and anything she said. watching her manipulate dave and being unable to say anything to him because he seemed to be happy.
so now, three years later, their relationship is in shambles. she chose me - of all people - as a confidant for a while. telling me how unhappy she was with dave. and asking if he's always been like this. and giving me even more information about what she'd done to hurt me before. explaining it in detail and basically making me relive it. ( mind you - in three years, she has never once said to me "i'm sorry about how that went down and that it hurt you so much." ) i'd give her the same advice i'd give anyone else in that situation. i kept telling her to go and talk to dave about how she was feeling because if anyone was going to be able to help her work it out with him, it would probably be him.
then one day, she completely stopped talking to me and he started.
dave came to me an emotional mess. he didn't know what happened. he didn't understand. what did he do that would make her want to be away from him as much as possible? what did he do to make her want to sleep with someone else? can he spend the night in my guest room? of course, he can. no, i don't know why she'd cheat on you. what? she cheated on her last boyfriend the whole time they were together too? oh. and she made out with your best friend three years ago? wait. THAT's why you haven't spoken to him in three years? she said WHAT?! i agree, she's probably not capable of being faithful to anyone. i'm sorry you're going through this.
she kept getting worse. he got worse for a while and then actually started to get better. he caught her in lie after lie after lie. and he got angry. finally.
she's hypocritical and selfish and childish and i'm done waiting for her to decide if our marriage is worth working on. i no longer give a shit what happens with her or to her.
he was going out. he was reconnecting with the friends that love him. he went on dates with a couple of women. he was out of her house.. sortof.. for all of a week.
she called him. every day. to have coffee. to have lunch. to help her with this or that or the other thing that she could have handled on her own. ( for the record, i told him this would happen and he said "naw.. she's too stubborn for that." ) he saw her every day for the week he was "living" here except one. but not for lack of trying on her part. susan told him spending all of this time together was confusing her, was making her lose her resolve to take a solo trip to "find herself," and tempting her to jump right back in with him. he tried to respect that and said he wouldn't see her at all the next day. she txt'd him to come see her at the shop. she called him to come have dinner with her. he did neither. he was solid that day.
and the very next day, he spent the night with her. and the next day. and the next day. and the next day.
and again, something very important comes up that he and i should both be a part of. after three years of putting myself into uncomfortable situations with her, and several months of hearing more and more that makes me even less comfortable with her, i finally stand up for myself a bit and say "look, dave. you can do what you like where she is concerned but this hasn't blown over for me and i am uncomfortable being around her. because of that, i'd like to take this event and split it up. you and susan can do the first part, and honey and i will do the second part. this way, everyone is involved, no one is excluded, and i get to hold on to my boundaries." he understood and seemed fine with my suggestion. until he got home to susan. at which point it became retarded.
it came down to - again - either me putting myself into an unhealthy situation, or he wasn't going to be involved at all. fine. i've been going with the first option for three years. and i'm not going to do it anymore. he said "she's fine with being around you for this." really? that's lovely. but she's not the only one that needs to be fine with something for it to be workable. i need to be fine with it too, and i'm not.
my boundaries stand.
she's already turned this around on me and tried to make me feel guilty for being emotionally responsible for myself. she's manipulated him into losing everyone that cares about him. and he's let her do it.
susan has now cost dave more than she's willing to recognize. and has cost me more than i can forgive her for.
June, 27 2011 under self