on needing help
i get migraines. tuesday and wednesday of this week i left work early with a headache. today i didn't goto work at all. i shouldn't go tomorrow either, but i probably will.
i went to bed at 10pm last night and slept pretty quickly ( which is rare for me on both counts ). i was up for an hour around 2am, then an hour or so at 7am, then an hour at noonish today. the rest of the time i was sleeping until 5.30 this afternoon.
i left my place with the 17 year old to drop her at the other house and pick up the younger ones to spend the night with me. my head is still splitting. i guess i hit another car with my side mirror and never even noticed. i also hit a curb hard enough to pop a tire. with our daughter in the car. ( no one was hurt or anything. no damage to the car, just folded the side mirror. )
this. is. not. good. i know this.
but here's the fucked up part. my friends wanted to help me.. to keep me and the kids safe because i am obviously in no shape to drive.. and i threw a lot of attitude their way. i was offended that they thought i needed help. i was offended that they were willing to rearrange their evening to drive me home and keep the kids tonight even tho they're supposed to be with me.
anyone who knows me knows that i spend a lot of time helping out anyone who needs me. friends with drama that just need someone to talk to and to come over and sit with them while they try to get their heads straight or drive them somewhere in the middle of the night to get answers. pretty much anyone who needs me. and some that don't but i just want to help them out with something because i just feel like doing it.
i have a habit of overdoing even when i'm getting nothing back and know that i never will. of getting myself in too deep sometimes and not caring about the lack of reciprocation.
so, what, exactly, is my problem with asking for help or feeling like i need any? i understand - on a very real level - that everyone needs help from time to time. i push people to ask for and accept the help that they need. i offer that help. and i never ask for any. and when it's offered, i usually deny it.
why do i carry this double standard for myself? why do i feel the need to be so fucking independant? why do i have this fucked up idea that admitting that i need help with something makes me any less so?
i just had a conversation with a friend of mine about how i'm feeling overwhelmed with some of the things i do. i put a lot into a certain responsibility that i've taken upon myself and most of what i get back is complaints and assumptions that i am deeper into it than i really am. i let that situation get to an almost painful point before i started saying that i need help with it. and that particular thing isn't even all that major. a trivial little thing that i should really feel no obligation to ( but i do ) and i let it get this far out of hand before i said 'hey, i'm gonna need help with this because i can't do it on my own anymore.' i should be able to walk away from this particular task for a little while if i want to, but i can't allow myself to do it. i'm afraid that if i do, i will be leaving my friend high and dry, which i refuse to do. regardless of the cost to myself.
if i am willing to put out that much effort and dedication into everyone else, why do i need to be superwoman who never needs anything? if i can put out that much of myself for other people, why do i deny them the opportunity to do the same for me?
so here it is. tonight.. i needed help. instead of asking for it, i made some stupid mistakes and was forced into it giving up my kids and my keys for a night. two things that i am NEVER EVER willing to let go of. in the future, remind me to swallow my stupidity for a moment and ask for a favor before i'm pushed into this again.
March, 04 2010 under self