on needing help

i get migraines. tuesday and wednesday of this week i left work early with a headache. today i didn't goto work at all. i shouldn't go tomorrow either, but i probably will.

i went to bed at 10pm last night and slept pretty quickly ( which is rare for me on both counts ). i was up for an hour around 2am, then an hour or so at 7am, then an hour at noonish today. the rest of the time i was sleeping until 5.30 this afternoon.

i left my place with the 17 year old to drop her at the other house and pick up the younger ones to spend the night with me. my head is still splitting. i guess i hit another car with my side mirror and never even noticed. i also hit a curb hard enough to pop a tire. with our daughter in the car. ( no one was hurt or anything. no damage to the car, just folded the side mirror. )

this. is. not. good. i know this.

but here's the fucked up part. my friends wanted to help me.. to keep me and the kids safe because i am obviously in no shape to drive.. and i threw a lot of attitude their way. i was offended that they thought i needed help. i was offended that they were willing to rearrange their evening to drive me home and keep the kids tonight even tho they're supposed to be with me.

anyone who knows me knows that i spend a lot of time helping out anyone who needs me. friends with drama that just need someone to talk to and to come over and sit with them while they try to get their heads straight or drive them somewhere in the middle of the night to get answers. pretty much anyone who needs me. and some that don't but i just want to help them out with something because i just feel like doing it.

i have a habit of overdoing even when i'm getting nothing back and know that i never will. of getting myself in too deep sometimes and not caring about the lack of reciprocation.

so, what, exactly, is my problem with asking for help or feeling like i need any? i understand - on a very real level - that everyone needs help from time to time. i push people to ask for and accept the help that they need. i offer that help. and i never ask for any. and when it's offered, i usually deny it.

why do i carry this double standard for myself? why do i feel the need to be so fucking independant? why do i have this fucked up idea that admitting that i need help with something makes me any less so?

i just had a conversation with a friend of mine about how i'm feeling overwhelmed with some of the things i do. i put a lot into a certain responsibility that i've taken upon myself and most of what i get back is complaints and assumptions that i am deeper into it than i really am. i let that situation get to an almost painful point before i started saying that i need help with it. and that particular thing isn't even all that major. a trivial little thing that i should really feel no obligation to ( but i do ) and i let it get this far out of hand before i said 'hey, i'm gonna need help with this because i can't do it on my own anymore.' i should be able to walk away from this particular task for a little while if i want to, but i can't allow myself to do it. i'm afraid that if i do, i will be leaving my friend high and dry, which i refuse to do. regardless of the cost to myself.

if i am willing to put out that much effort and dedication into everyone else, why do i need to be superwoman who never needs anything? if i can put out that much of myself for other people, why do i deny them the opportunity to do the same for me?

so here it is. tonight.. i needed help. instead of asking for it, i made some stupid mistakes and was forced into it giving up my kids and my keys for a night. two things that i am NEVER EVER willing to let go of. in the future, remind me to swallow my stupidity for a moment and ask for a favor before i'm pushed into this again.

March, 04 2010 under self


March, 05 2010 by Misty (mwil298)

You seem like a very independent and proud woman, Bliss. I don't know you well but from what I have seen I've noticed your willingness to give so much of yourself to others. That is such a wonderful trait and I wish more people were as considerate of others as you seem to be. That being said, there is a point where that compassion to help others becomes too much and you reach a point where you need to stop and look within yourself for what YOU need. Don't ever be afraid to openly ask for help if you need it. Even superwoman needed help sometimes. Being in Texas I can't come to you and offer you help face to face but I can be here for you online. If you ever are feeling overwhelmed, need someone to listen or anything I'm pretty easy to get in touch with, okay?

March, 05 2010 by Yves

Honey, I am right there with you. The migraines, the projects for friends, the child ferrying... and the stupid need to do it all myself! Why do we do it? I can't say. I did the driving whilst "migrained" the other day too. I could see every detail, the cars, the bad driving, every pothole, but I couldn't remember if I had driven by the freeway exit I needed or wasn't there yet. I drove in confused circles to somewhere I know how to find. I had a couple of days free of pain and then got taken down again by stress. Irrational, small minded men that did not appreciate my intelligence and tried to road block my success. I of course did not let that happen, worked even harder and got the job done.... So what I have to say is that you & I both NEED to ask AND accept help more often. If you are not doing it, feel free to give me a ring, I'll remind you that we are fabulous, strong, talented and successful at accepting help!!! Love You

March, 05 2010 by Ginger

Oh girl. What are we going to do with each other?? And why do I get the feeling if I lived in the same area we'd be kicking each other in the ass over the same thing? ;) All I can say to you is the same stuff you've been saying to me about my back. You told me more than once that sometimes the strongest thing we can do is sit back and allow ourselves to be helped by those who want to help us. Believe me when I say this... if you don't, life has a way of forcing your hand. You have too much going on and too many people who depend on you to risk doing to yourself what I have done to myself. So out of love I say... be your own best friend and never allow yourself to do the things you wouldn't allow others you love to do. OXOX Gin

March, 05 2010 by Victoria

I think as women we\'re socialized to put everyone else\'s needs before our own. However, if we don\'t take care of ourselves, we can\'t take of others when they need it. I have a hard time asking for help when I need it, too. For me, it\'s like I\'m trying to prove to the world that I\'m capable of doing everything myself, but it\'s just not healthy to think that way. We all need help from time to time and shouldn\'t hesitate to ask for it when we need it. In fact, I know that I feel honored when people ask for my help because I love helping them. We just need to follow our own advice. Hope this helps. Take care of you. xoxo, Victoria