been thinking

i've been thinking about a few things. actually, about a lot of things. but i'm only willing to share a few of them publicly.

i'm finishing my phoenix tattoo tomorrow. this thrills me. this tattoo symbolizes my own proverbial death and rebirth. a bonus side effect of this tattoo was covering the little tribal sun tattoo i had on my arm that signified the moment of the bad decision that caused the aforementioned proverbial death. it was actually covered in the last session i had, but the tattoo isn't complete until tomorrow, so i expect that relief to wash over me again and more significantly. ( plus, tattoo is my method for handling my mental health, instead of drugs or therapists, and that is something i need right now given a couple of other things going on in my life currently. )

it's also come up that my niece needs a kidney from me after all. my bood type is compatible, so i am beginning the process of checking my viability as a donor. it has not yet been confirmed that i am a match and will be able to do this, but i am nervous already anyway. the more i read up on the surgical procedure, the recovery process, and the ways in which it could possibly affect the rest of my life, the more nervous i am getting. assuming that i am a good match and this goes through, i am not really looking forward to it. 2-3 days in the hospital, 14 days before i can drive again, 2-6 weeks until i can return to work. given the sit-at-a-desk-all-day nature of my profession, i assume i'll be at the shorter end of that. but even so.. it doens't sound remotely fun. plus, i feel horrid when i cannot work. also, i don't really want anyone to tell me that i'm being noble or that i'm awesome or anything for doing this. i was asked by the transplant center "what makes you want to be an organ donor?" the answer isn't "because i want to help" or "because i love tricia."( altho, i do love her, obviously. ) the answer is.. this whole situation is an unfortunate no-brainer. i'm not even doing it wholly for tricia even. i'm doing it for my own adopted son ( tricia is his younger half sister ) and i know how devastated caleb would be if anything happened to her. i do not want him to experience that kind of pain just yet. so.. i'm feeling like i am really selfish in my motivations in this. i should note at this point, that i confessed this to sarah earlier and she disagrees with me feeling this way. she threatened a long distance kick in the ass. i have every intention of spending a weekend with her before the surgery happens, so she'll probably get the chance to kick me from close up. if you want to say i'm being noble about something tho, you can say that i was awesome to wait until after hal's shows at brea to mention it. i got the call about this while sweet shelley was with me and asked her to keep it quiet also until the weekend of happy happy joy joy was over. i didn't want any attention about it since she and ginger were in town for hal's shows and i didn't want to steal anyone's thunder. there. i was selfless in that.

i've also been thinking about the way people live their lives. mostly about the way they will avoid something new that gives them an opportunity to lead a happy, fulfilled life in favor of the comfortable rut they've lived in for a long time. also about how sad it is for a person to live their life in a self-inflicted box of obligation, guilt, and self-loathing at the idea of putting their own needs, wants, desires, and happiness before anyone else's. the idea that you owe your whole life to another person makes me sad. i have three quotes that i live by. 1) you cannot give someone something you do not already have. a statement made by dr phil that i caught by chance as i flipped channels past a late airing of oprah one night years ago. if i cannot give myself the opportunity to be happy, i cannot give happiness to another person. 2) you can't have something you've never had until you do something you've never done. i have no idea where this quote came from, but even with my own deep-seated fears of life, people, and rejection.. i do everything i can to live by this. 3) make it happen. this kindof goes with number two, but it bears mentioning on its own. i credit my dear friend, hal, for this one. i've heard him say this repeatedly and it was a fitting label for a concept i've lived by for several years. ( this one is significant - and short - enough to me to have had it tattooed across my chest. ) the point is.. if you want something, you've got to take a risk to make it happen and - whatever the outcome - have faith in the universe that your life is taking the course it is meant to take. i took a risk. i put myself out there.. and i was rejected. softof. this has left me wondering why i am not worth taking a chance on. feeling like this, however, has much more to do with my own self-esteem issues than it does with anything that was said or done. actually, everything that was said and done would lead anyone else to feel exactly the opposite. i know that i am amazing. i am talented and i am strong and i am a fantastic person and i am a tapestry to be stared at. and i am worth the risk. well, in the interest of honesty, i will know these things again in a few days, but i have decided to take a couple of days to wallow and cry over lost opportunity. meh.

in other and happier news.. i had my lip pierced yesterday. i love it! i will love it more in a couple of weeks when i can get a shorter barbell for it. ( had to go a little longer to allow for swelling. ) i've got eating with it down okay, but drinking without a straw is taking a little longer. heh.

October, 25 2010 under self

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