women don't like sex

stephen fry recently did an interview where he said

If women liked sex as much as men, there would be straight cruising areas in the way there are gay cruising areas. Women would go and hang around in churchyards thinking: 'God, I've got to get my fucking rocks off', or they'd go to Hampstead Heath and meet strangers to shag behind a bush. It doesn't happen. Why? Because the only women you can have sex with like that wish to be paid for it.

and

I feel sorry for straight men. The only reason women will have sex with them is that sex is the price they are willing to pay for a relationship with a man, which is what they want.

these things are generalisations and are also, unfortunately, true. but not the way mr fry's comments make it sound.

i remember about 19 years ago when my aunt came home for a weekend with her husband and announced that she was pregnant. my grandmother's first reaction was to become very sad because now she finally knew without a doubt that her daughter was having sex. i truly believe she was more disgusted by this revelation than she was happy about the coming of the grandchild.

sex was a very taboo subject in my grandparents' house. it was never mentioned directly. ( not until i got caught actually doing it, anyway. ) the sexual attitudes i was raised under were these:

  • sex is for making babies. that's all.
  • only men and "loose women" like sex.
  • women have sex to keep their husbands from straying.
  • women should not have sex too often, or their husband will lose respect for them.
  • sex is not fun, it's an obligation to your husband.

the parents of generations past taught their sons that any girl that will have sex with them before they're married is not worth marrying. they taught their daughters that no man will respect a girl who has sex before she's married, that no man will respect a woman that likes sex. so now, as a society, we have a very skewed conception of sex and what it means, what it can be. we have women that go years, and sadly sometimes a whole lifetime, without ever having an orgasm because they've been taught that sex isn't about them. we have men and women who continue to hide their secret desires for experimentation because they've been taught that those things aren't normal or acceptable in polite society. we have men who have sex with their wives while fantasizing about making love to a woman they knew long ago but couldn't marry because she was willing to blow him and that's just not the kind of girl you commit to.

and yes, we have women who use sex as currency to get the relationship that they want. the old cliche about sex ( and blow jobs ) ending as soon as you get married started in truth. for a long time we've taught our daughters to use their gender to get what they want from men. it starts with a mom teaching her little girl to sit in daddy's lap and batt her eyes when she asks for something she wants. this eventually evolves into girls hinting at the possibility of sex to a boy she wants to have as a boyfriend. and into her being willing to have sex, sometimes well before she's ready, in order to catch him. women who have been taught that their sex is just a tool to get what they want and never told that it is something to be enjoyed, explored, and experimented with. they get the marriage that they want and then fall back into the idea that sex is something only sluts like, something that is an obligation, something that is not about them. and then we have men that hang out with their friends and complain about their wives and tell their single friends that they should never settle down because they now live vicariously through them.

i also believe that our skewed vision of sex is why we have homophobes. have you ever noticed that most homophobia is directed at gay men rather than lesbians? you know why? we've been taught the stigma of anal sex for so long that we cannot fathom anyone liking it. and if we can't understand that, then it's gotta be wrong. right? no. not right. i think most people would be pleasantly surprised at how much they might enjoy a little anal stimulation. men and women. and men.. enjoying some stimulation there does not mean that you are gay.. it just means that you like to have your asshole played with. and women.. enjoying some stimulation there does not mean that you're a dirty whore.. it just means that you like to have your asshole played with.

women: please learn that sex IS about you. please STOP using it as a bargaining tool. ENJOY it. if your partner isn't getting you off.. EXPLORE it.

men: please learn that sex IS about you. please STOP assuming women don't like it. ENJOY it. if your partner isn't getting you off.. EXPLORE it.

parents: stop teaching your children that sex is not an important part of a long term relationship. it is. intimacy is about more than just sitting up all night talking about your hopes and dreams while your 2.5 children and a dog sleep in the other room. you cannot base an entire relationship on sex, but, at the same time, you cannot have an entire relationship without sex. stop teaching your children that sex should be saved for marriage and that sex is something you only do with someone you love. sometimes sex is just about getting off.. and that's okay. teach them how to be safe and what the possible outcomes are and give them the tools to make good choices for themselves.

i suppose my point is this: most women do like sex. this would be much more noticible if we could get over the idea that admitting so would label you a "hussy." i LOVE the word hussy, btw. i went through a time in my life where i didn't want to admit it either. i know, i know. sounds odd coming from me, but, well, i've grown up. i spent quite some time only really enjoying sex with people that i was unlikely to have a relationship with, and really wishing i could tell the ones i did the things that i actually liked. just.. going through the motions because it was what was expected of me. this led me to be an unfaithful wife the first time around. well, this and that whole thing where i abhorred my husband because he was a weak willed mama's boy that had no respect for my physically, emotionally, or intellectually. but, i digress. over the years, i've come into my own as a person, as a woman. i am willing, and proud, to admit that i like sex. i know what i like and what works for me. i am not afraid to try new things. and sometimes.. i don't need, or even want, a man to be awake for it.

ps - christine o'donell is NOT me.

October, 31 2010 under self

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