if you want to be a warrior...

"if you want to be a warrior, you need to conquer yourself."

for all of his goofiness, Sucre is a pretty damn profound guy sometimes. he and i were having a conversation about a friend of ours when he threw out this beautiful piece of truth. even tho we were only talking about one person at the time, in the second after he said it i thought of about 42 people who need to hear it. need to hear it, cuddle it, take it to heart, love and squeeze it and apply it to their lives.

"make it happenæ requires you to put the effort and the work into making your dreams become your reality. before you can do that, tho, you're going to have to conquer your own demons. 

what is it that's holding you back? is it a fear of success? get over it. a fear of change? get over it. a lack of self esteem? get over it. are you stuck believing the naysayers are right about you? get over it.

this was this first thing i had to do to get to the "make it happen" part of my life. i had to conquer the part of my self that was holding me back. the fear of everything, the knowledge that i would always be unworthy of the things i dreamt about. i fought hard to climb out of that place. i had to if i was going to survive. years of therapy and reminding myself that every encounter with every person is a gift or a lesson.

and now i seem like i am pretty well put together. but, honestly, i still battle some of those demons every day. i wake up every morning to a moment of panic : wondering when everyone important to me will realize that i am a fake and a freak, remembering how many people in my life have told me that i'm worthless and wondering if maybe they were right and i'm deluding myself, remembering that my parental role models told me that i'd never be a good mother, remembering how many people there are out there that are better than me or prettier than me or skinnier than me, and remembering how i do not - never have and never will - fit into the little mold that society has told me i should fit into.

and then i look in the mirror. and i think on my life. i worked for what i have - in more ways than one. honestly, i think starting to believe that i deserved those things was much much more work than what it took to actually achieve them. i have to be worthy of what i've got. if i wasn't, i wouldn't have it.

okay, that's just a really stupid thing to say. every single person is worthy of the life they want for themselves. every single person deserves a life that will make them happy.

life isn't just going to hand you what you want. but before you can work for what you want.. you're going to have to slay your own demons.

January, 06 2011 under self