i am a cliche

i posted a tweet the other day. i said "we should always be learning. always. even when what we learn just fucking hurts to know."

and it's true.

i learned something over the weekend. something about myself. i learned that i am a cliche.

i got hurt - more than i've ever admitted - when a relationship ended and decided the best response was to build that proverbial wall around my heart in an attempt to avoid future heartbreak. i looked for unavailable men. i chose to date multiple people i didn't really care all that much about and knew i could never have long term relationships with because i knew that ending those associations would be my choice, not theirs. in the future i'd always be the dumper instead of the dumpee. and even if one of them did choose to end things before i did, it wasn't that big a deal. on to the next!

i tried to live by logic and reason.
tried to keep myself in a position where I am emotionally responsible.
an invincible heart.

or maybe what i've been trying to be is inaccessible.

then.. someone came along that quietly squirmed his way inside that wall without either of us realizing that's what he was doing. the closer he got the more i started talking bigger and bigger about how i was okay and didn't want anything real with or from him anyway. by telling my friends that, i was really only trying to convince myself. convince myself that when this ended - and i knew it was about to - that i'd be juuuust fine.

i went into this weekend sure that i knew what i was doing and that i had a good handle on myself. i walked in thinking i'd be fine. i walked in knowing i'd be okay.

but when the moment came.. i was shattered. shattered by the realization that i am more emotionally bound to people than i am comfortable admitting. or being.

life and love have chipped away at the mortar of my little wall and left it crumbled around my bleeding little heart. i am emotionally wide open to the world right now and it hurts. i am in that place where i am questioning whether i am worthy of ever being loved. i am questioning whether i ever was and how valid any past relationship has ever been. i am wondering if i will ever find the person that i am supposed to be with. hell, i'm wondering if i am supposed to be with someone at all. i am questioning if i will ever have the kind of happily ever after with another person that i told myself i didn't need.

the lesson here? i can't close myself off to the possibility of love. if i do that and it happens, i will have no idea how to move forward with it. just like i now have no idea how to move forward without it. besides.. it's going to happen anyway. right?

now, before you all start in with the "oh no! you are wonderful, blissy! and we all love you and just know you'll find the right man someday. and the one that dumped you doesn't deserve you anyway!" stuff.. let me say a couple of things.

i am heartbroken right now. this means that i am way outside my comfort zone made of cushiony rational thought. i'll grieve and get past this and be a stronger person for it. and most likely end up with a much better idea of what i want and what i need to do and what i should focus on.

don't assume he is an awful man and blame him for hurting me. the hell of it is, he has his reasons. valid reasons. mostly. the fact of the matter is he is an amazing and brilliant man and i adore every memory of my time with him. and i appreciate the hell out of each and every moment we shared.

January, 25 2011 under self

comments

January, 27 2011 by Ginger

I love you. That is all.

February, 17 2011 by Spiffy

ah yes, the self-deprecation that haunts everyone after a breakup... I\'m horrible with that... low self-esteem coupled with rejection is a depressing state I\'ve visited often... I can tell in your writing that you know you\'re above this... you\'re smart and insightful and suffer from the same damn thing as me... right now I have the help of a professional, who is reassuring of my own self worth, way more than I am... it doesn\'t take professional help, but it takes a conscious effort to intercept the bad thoughts and realize that giving them any more attention is not healthy... right now I am so full of self-doubt that every thought is intercepted an analyzed lest I react poorly and make people sad due to my poor instinct reactions... you\'re already way ahead of the curve...

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